Charlie don’t surf (Unless it’s on a mercury surfboard)

It takes one helluva phenomenon to steal thunder from the launch of Apple’s new iPad. But then Steve Jobs didn’t figure on the power of Charlie Sheen.

From the minute his verbal gems hit the web, they became the stuff of legend.

And the people responded. Not since the Renaissance has the world seen such an explosive outpouring from artists, musicians, writers and actors.

But perhaps most impressive is the sheer volume of meme-worthy material. Produced in a little over 24 hours, it surely offers proof that Sheen is, indeed, immortal.



And check out:


Charlie Sheen or Ghaddafi: Who said what?


Charlie Sheen Quotes as New Yorker Cartoons



The Fan

SFX: (phone ringing)


TH: Hello, Mel?

MG: Who’s this?

TH: It’s Tony.

MG: (confused) Danza?

TH: No, Tony Hayward. Head of BP. (pause) British Petroleum? Perhaps you’ve heard of it. (nervous chuckle) We had a little…thing. In the Gulf. The oil…

MG: How did you get this fucking number?

TH: Dickie Cheney gave it to me. Look, I won’t keep me; my Escalade’s running outside.

MG: So what, you wanna make a film about oil?

TH: Sadly There Will Be Blood beat me to it. No, I just wanted to say a heartfelt thank-you. Thanks to you, I’ve got my life back.

MG: Is this a fucking joke?

TH: Honestly, I just…really wanted to express my admiration.

I thought monumental gaffes like “The environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest,” and “We had too many people that were working to save the world” would stick in the public’s mind forever.

But you…you’ve taken PR problems to a whole new level. Well played, sir.

MG: Fuck off, you cocksucking Limey twat.

TH: I don’t suppose you’d autograph my copy of The Road Warrior?


SFX: (dial tone)

TH: What a lovely man.

You’re Invited

Now that the whole subprime mortgage mess is behind us, it’s good to see the banks demonstrating fiscal restraint.

Just last week, I got a letter inviting me to sign up for a new MasterCard.

Now, no offence MasterCard, but everyone knows you’re the ugly, untalented child of credit cards. The smelly one with bad skin, a cleft palate and club foot. The…well, you get the picture.

Just as I was about to toss the application, I noticed I’d been pre-approved for $100,000. Put another way, that’s about a thousand times the GDP of Iceland. Cha-ching!

I started thinking of all the fine wines, fur coats, and four-bedroom bungalows I could buy. I imagined myself rubbing shoulders with The Donald, or at least The Situation.

But then the market went and put a damper on my dreams.

It seems a little place called Greece is in danger of bringing down the entire E.U. And Spain and Portugal are rumoured to be in similar straits.

The good news is, it’s all sorted now. Over the weekend, the E.U. approved a trillion dollar bail-out of Greece’s economy. That’s trillion, with a “t.”

Marco Annunziata, Chief Economist of Italy’s UniCredit Group, called the package “Shock and Awe Part II, with a much bigger budget and a more impressive array of special effects.”


Watch for “Shock and Awe II” for Playstation later this fall.

Like a heroin addict who just scored, this latest injection of taxpayers’ cash sent the markets to new heights; the Canadian dollar shot up two cents within hours.

Which makes it the perfect time to pick out some Louboutin pumps, and put them on my new Diamond-encrusted MasterCard.

Something tells me this could be the party to end all parties.

Walking On Thin Ice

Had a bit of a scare last week. I was on my way to work when I noticed the front page of the paper. Below a grisly photo of a polar bear eating its cub, the headline screamed:


Well thank God that’s settled. For a moment there I thought I might actually have to alter my wasteful, self-indulgent North American lifestyle. It was a truly frightening few seconds.

Turns out this kind of gruesome display is perfectly normal. It’s just nature’s way of getting rid of too many delicious cubs.

A Mr Pinksen, Director of Policy and Legislation for Nunavut’s Department of Environment, assured readers that such things are an “act of nature” and that “these things [happen] all the time.”

Some scientist emeritus was quoted as saying that bear cannibalism is on the rise due to global warming. But Mr Pinksen dismissed the idea, saying, “It’s nice to see people paying attention to climate change, but we’re hoping people can keep a cooler head regarding Arctic resource management.”


My glee was short-lived however. When I got to work, yahoo news had a piece entitled “Australia shipping alert over massive iceberg.”

Seems an iceberg 12 miles long and 5 miles wide had broken off Antarctica and was making its way across the ocean. As I pictured the world’s iced tea reserves shrinking, the article concluded, “Icebergs are routinely sloughed off as part of the natural development of ice shelves.”

Cool. No biggie then. Must’ve been a slow news day. Just because I can’t remember reading stories like that in the four decades I’ve been on the planet, doesn’t mean they’re anything to get worked up about. In fact, it just proves how notnewsworthy they are! Now what’s for lunch?